Coney Sauce Recipe

Ok, so it’s more of a chili than a sauce, but it is really good as a sauce topping your favorite beefy frank. Or even a non beefy frank, I know a number of people named Frank, and only one of them could be called beefy. Quite frankly (No pun intended) I believe he prefers the term big boned. Sorry Frank, I couldn’t resist.

Besides, how can one be drawn away from the enticing seduction of mechanically separated chicken? How do you mechanically separate a chicken? Have you no imagination?

Of course first the chickens have to be plucked, decapitated and eviscerated (For the most part. The hearts, feet, necks and other giblety bits are tossed back in later on down the line for extra meaty flavor) then thrown onto belts where they are blasted with high pressure water jets to remove excrement stuck to the insides or out sides of the carcasses . They are then quickly blasted in a tunnel of fire to remove any pin feathers remaining in the skin (Mmmmmm I love the smell of burning feathers in the morning.). Now naked, empty and soulless they arrive at the mechanical separator. Just imagine a machine like a two story metal blender with paddles instead of blades and sides much like that popcorn wallpaper you had in your first apartment.

Got that image? Good.

Ok, shall we turn it on? Yes? Ok here goes…Bwapaflapaborkmingggggggzermmmm-fwappafwapp—rowrrhonk-bwapaflapa-bornk! It is quite fun. So now our chickens have been separated by the ripping and tearing and sheer blunt force of being whacked back and forth against the sides of a stainless steel Vat. Beaten into bloody mangled quivering masses of flesh with the occasional bone sticking out, pointing upwards to our loving creator. .

Now comes the fun part! The mechanically separated chicken moves down a conveyer belt to a large whirring hopper, where it rejoins some of its eviscerated parts. Chicken bits go in the top and a slightly pink paste comes out the bottom.

“Splurrrrt” goes the machine as it the chicken exits the hopper. It looks like albino strawberry ice cream but how does it taste? How do you think it tastes? IT most certainly does not taste like albino strawberry ice-cream. It tastes just like unclean raw pureed chicken parts you silly sods (Don’t forget the lingering aroma hearts and feets…chicken feets is the best). Well of course it tastes bad right now, it hasn’t been to the happy flavor tubs yet (Don’t those sound exciting?).

Here at the happy flavor tubs the juicy moist goop sluices down the chutes into a giant Kitchen-aid mixer spinning it’s happy blades around the chickeny dough. (Here is where other meat pastes are added to make those wonderful tubular steaks labeled simply “Meat Franks”, Mmmmmm meaty meat; it does a body something…) The large rotating blades move the mixture at about 10 miles an hour (Not too fast or it slops over the side and the USDA says that the workers only have five seconds to scoop up the spillage and add it back to the vat. This is where we get the term “Five Second Rule”.). Occasionally large hoses suspended from the ceiling above the tub spew forth gallons of powdered nitrates and seasoning. There is also a constant stream of what looks like blood (Well sorry Twilight fans, that’s not blood its far far worse, its Cochineal, a red sticky food coloring squeezed from an insects backside. Not so bad if you think about it; I mean silk comes from the ar$e of a worm, therefore my tie is made out of worm-butt? Why did I pay $150 for worm butt?). This coloring will make our tube steak an appetizing and delicious plastic flamingo pink instead of the sickly medicinal color it is naturally. The machine runs like clockwork, because it is really is, sort of; Sluice comes in, MSG rains from the ceiling like cocaine in the 80’s, blades turn pink goo into pinker goo. It is like a lyrical dance! *Note the gentleman on the cat walk above the vat? Notice that he is wearing a biohazard mask, which tells you that there is nothing but quality seasoning going on here. Don’t worry about him falling in kids, the chemicals here are in such a high and deadly concentration that he would die long before getting mashed up and squeezed into your tube steak. The safety precautions are all set up by the book, all they have to do is fish him out with the pool skimmer and call his widow (plus hose him off if they have time, but tube steak waits for no man.).

From the happy flavor vat the chicken mixture is transferred along another moving chute that pumps it into another tub; here the artificial sausage skins are fitted by machine over a hundred teats at a time. Spooge goes the mixture into the skins, pinch goes the machine that does the pinching and into a large skip fall the hot dogs, spooge goes the mixture into the skins, pinch goes the machine that does the pinching and into a large skip fall the hot dogs…spooge goes the mixture…ok you get the idea, dropped from here into baskets in vats of salted water, reheated and reused again for hundreds of thousands of hottie doggies. Instantly cooled with liquid nitrogen, they are packed eight to a package and sealed with an item that resembles a giant Panini maker. Steam and seal, that’s a wrap! Well almost; here a human actually picks up the packages two in each hand and stuffs them into boxes which are sealed, picked up by a fork lift loaded onto refrigerated trucks and sent zooming all over the country. Soon they will arrive at your local grocery store, where they will sit in the rear warehouse area for several months before being placed on the shelves of the convenient refrigerated section. Now they can be picked up by you the consumer to cook and eat! What a long journey this little mechanically separated chicken has had.

Bismarck was right, laws are like sausages, or sausages are like laws no one wants to know how they are made.

Well if you haven’t completely lost your appetite here is a recipe for Coney Island Sauce.

Ingredients:

1 Pound of Ground Beef
1 Onion Chopped fine
2 Cloves of garlic
1 Small can of tomato sauce
1 Cup of water
1 Tablespoon of chili powder
1 Bay leaf
1-2 Teaspoons of Worcestershire sauce
1 Teaspoon of paprika
1-2 Teaspoons of cumin
½ Teaspoon of celery seed
Salt and Pepper and a dash or two of hot sauce to taste
Chopped onion and cheese, hot dogs and buns…

Method:

Brown the beef, garlic and the onions crumbling the beef with a spatula as you go. When nicely browned add the tomato sauce and scrape any bits that have adhered to the bottom of the pan. Cook over medium high heat till tomato sauce thickens and starts to brown, add the water and the seasonings. Reduce temperature and, cook uncovered for 45 minutes to an hour. Remove form heat and let cool slightly. Place half of the mixture in a blender and blend until smooth, return to heat with un-blended mixture and reheat. Serve on top of open faced hamburgers or hot dogs in buns, top with grated cheese and onions if desired.