20,000 leagues under the sea? I think anyone who has read any of Jules Verns woks know that the guy was one whacked out Frenchman. And if you have been to circque de soliel you know that that is saying something. (Or are they Canadian? Whichever).

Well I ended up rereading this thing again after twenty years instead of leagues. I liked the the movie version with Kirk Douglas and the Pipe organ better? Maybe I just liked pipe organs. I was a big Vincent Price fan for many years. Then I watched one of his movies recently and though “Wow, this is awful, I mean really terrible. This is so bad that it is good.” Nothing like Vincent Price in a big red Cassock with one eyebrow raised maniacally while he pounds out a disconsolate chord from his melancholy instrument. Ok, that sounded really rude.

Back to the leagues.

So what is it about? Well if you have not read it here is the quick version. It is about some loony brass stud that has built a giant submarine in which he travels the world trying to avoid civilization and government interference after his wife and kids are killed by an unnamed someone during an unnamed something. This is never really explained, and it occurred to me that perhaps old Jules simply forgot to put it in and never proof read his work. All you know is that Captain “Mongoose biter three up the neighbor star pie” Nemo is a broody mo-fo, prone to depressing moments of tragic introspection. IT is instantly obvious that Captain “Two bags up the lamppost Jerry!” Nemo is obviously nuttier than a squirrels underpants drawer but you sort of warm to him as it drags on.

It is set in 1866 in the days before real submarines plowed the ocean waves, or were available for five dollars a foot. People who see this submarine emerging from the inky blackness of an infinite ocean think it is some sort of giant murderous whale or sea monster. Thus they seem to sound like Ian from down the pub after a few pints: “Oooh arr, I did be seeing the Kraken I did! Ooh arrrr. Twenty two heads he had, and he t’was green and white and blue and white and 44 legs he had, and twenty two bodies as well, Ooooh Arrrrgh”. Uh, two football (Soccer) teams playing a match? Sounds like Celtic vs. Rangers.

Of course it is just a matter of time before someone comes along to try and stick a harpoon through its side so they can drink the sweet delectable whale nectar that is Ambergris. Eeeeeew…Ok, well not drink.

Step forward the Americans. Being the pushy violent blood lusting sods that they are, the Americans send out a group of explorers and hunters to track down said fatty whale and kill it so they can “Study it”. Ahhh the good old days.

“Quick! Quick! Kill it so we can study it!”

“I’m trying but there are too many baby seals to club, they are so fluffy and cute and easily clubbable!” What? Are you going to call Greenpeace on me? Yeah well don’t worry, they already got me, I send my 10 dollars a month, now back off. Hippies…

Instead of capturing the “Beast” three of the idiots on the American vessel are washed overboard during the battle with the giant sea monster. A sea monster that they find out pretty quick is a submarine when they are taken prisoner by Captain “Nut Farm Pancake” Nemo. Who of course tells them that they cannot leave, because of some conspiracy….blah blah…secrets….blah blah lies blah blah…global warming…blah…rising of the seas blah blah….It’s like listening to Al Gore without the sheer exhilaration and explosive bowel releasing excitement of listening to Mr. Gore.

Then all the rip roaring adventure stuff begins, a vomit inducing eyeball licking rollercoaster ride filled with such thrilling events as the attack of the shark, and then being saved from the shark. Then the attack of the giant squid! (Well several squid) Aaaargh horrors! I am being attacked by a cantankerous malodorous sushi dinner! It is long past its expiration date! Where is Godzilla?

Sadly there is no Godzilla. Finally Captain “Shoelace Moon Shadow call the butter it's morning” Nemo attacks a ship and sinks it, killing a whole sack of people, for some reason he gets even more broody (Quick hide all the Ambien and the steak knives he’s got that look again!), and goes completely bum-chugger bonkers driving the Nautilus into a giant whirlpool (No not a Jacuzzi like tub), somehow allowing the three stupid sods from the American expedition to escape. Whether the ship is destroyed or not? Well that is up to you to decide. I decide it is Smashed! Bwahahahaha! Cough…

In other words it ends exactly like the end of the move “The Black Hole” when the Cygnus gets sucked into the black hole and the crew of the Palomino escapes death, but I think they still get sucked into the hole. Don’t remember don’t care. I really liked that movie ( I named a stuffed animal Vincent after the floating robot) and I have the feeling that if I was to watch it today I would be rather disappointed in the special effects. Though I thought it was classy that crazy Dr. Reinschmidt or whatever had chandeliers in his space ship dining room. An improbable luxury like the pipe organ on the submarine in the Movie version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (D@mn you Dissnee!), I think I just liked improbable luxuries.

Well this was leading up to a recipe for crab salad in cucumber cups.

Not exactly the most difficult thing in the universe to make.

½ Pound of crabmeat chopped

¼ cup of mayonnaise (or less, should just be enough to moisten)

3 Green onions chopped

1-2 Tablespoons of chopped parsley

1 Teaspoon of lemon juice

A little salt and pepper

Mix all together and chill for twenty minutes.

Then take two chilled cucumbers. Using a vegetable peeler cut strips lengthwise so that you get a nice two tone effect. Then cut in half crosswise, and then each section in half crosswise, and again till you have eight pieces. Hollow out the cucumber chunks using a melon ball cutter, being careful not to pierce the bottom or all the crab salady juice will run out. Fill cucumber chunks with crab salad and garnish with a tine sprig of parsley and a pinch of paprika.

Send to the table with lemon wedges should serve four, two per person as an appetizer.