Ploughman's Lunch

What is a ploughman’s’ lunch?

One would think it might be some sort of foodstuff easily transported tied up in an old used hanky or “snot rag” as they are affectionately known in the UK. Perhaps some bread, a bit of cheese, maybe a raw turnip and a flagon of ale.

In fact a ploughman’s lunch is fake traditional pub food found all throughout the United Kingdom and darn near all the “British Pubs” that have popped up in every backwater heck hole of the earth. Anyplace where at least two blokes from Manchester, Birmingham or Newcastle meet to moan about football (soccer) scores and the lack of a decent chippy, over a couple of pints. 

Fake Traditional? Think distressed furniture or shabby chic.

Even when I was a wee bairn, I would have a torn off chunk of bread with a couple of different cheeses and a spot of chutney or pickle relish for lunch.  It seems completely natural, so very picturesquely rural. Yet it is the result of an overly successful marketing plan by the British Dairy Board. Who wanted to get people to eat more cheese after the war rationing ended.

Strangely enough it seems to have worked a little too well. Ploughman’s lunch’s can now be found in Irish pubs and English pubs and Scottish pubs. Once upon a time it could even be found in the fake British Pub in Damascus Syria in the basement of the Sheraton.  Oh yes, there was a British pub in Syria. You could spot the staircase that led to the basement because it had a big red English phone booth at the top of the stairs. This led to a small underground English universe complete with Dickensian half timbered entrance, a bottle glass bay window, that looked out over and artificial Victorian cobbled street (that led to the restrooms), a red pillar box, Windsor chairs, pub tables, horse brasses and hunting prints on the walls, Flemish diamond merchants, two guys from Torquay moaning about the football scores and a roaring welcoming fire in the hearth. Fireplace? It is 120 degrees outside and there is a fireplace? Yes, a fireplace, there had to run the air conditioner extra hard in there but they kept the fireplace blazing all day and night. If they had only had a good steak and kidney pie or blood pudding, it would have been perfect.

The ploughman’s lunch consists mostly of cheese, bread and or crackers and some sort of chutney or pickled relish. Such as pickled onions, piccalilli or brown pickle. A word of warning, if you do not know what brown pickle is, then just don’t ask. I mean it, it is a little too horrible to describe.

Cheese, cheese, cheese, I love cheese. I just try not to think about what it really is. Rotted bovine lactation fluid. Mmmm mmm can’t get enough of that rotted bovine lactation. Plain old milk on the other hand I cannot stand. Why are humans the only creature that not only drinks milk beyond infancy but the milk of other mammals?

Enough ranting here is how to put together a ploughman’s lunch for four marshmallowy peeps.

1 Unsliced loaf of rustic bread, French, Italian etc.

1-2 Tablespoons of chutney or picked relish

Assorted crackers or water biscuits

Butter

2 oz of cheese per person: any of the following or your particular favorites. For variety I try to make sure there are at least three and usually four types of cheese on each plate. Different textures are important too. A soft cheese, and a hard cheese, semi soft and crumbly, all good combinations. 

Red Leicester, Double Gloucester, Cheshire, Stilton, Dubliner, Edam, Gouda, Smoked Gouda, Camembert, Sharp Cheddar, Medium Cheddar, Chevre,

Additional items to make a more rounded meal include are grapes, apple slices, gherkins, celery sticks, baby carrots, radishes, alfalfa sprouts and sliced cucumbers.

Tear off a large chunk of bread for each person, place on a plate with the cheese, pickle and any other items you like. Try to make a pleasing arrangement of different shapes and colors. Or just pile it all up like some rotting philistine.

Serve with pints of beer, cider or glasses of mulled wine.